Pebble in the Ocean

My engine doesn't seem like it was ever designed to handle the programming load that's been put upon it. In a small secluded life, a tiny fishbowl, I'm sure I'd have been in bliss. The ignorance of the outside world would have kept me going in the same fashion full of unwavering positive energy. Instead the glass broke and here I am flapping about in disbelief at the true size of the universe.

The knowledge of my abundance of options seems to be limiting my potential happiness. Paralyzed by fear of making even more bad decisions and living with even more regret, I struggle to choose what path I should continue down. My real, true desire my whole life it seems is to possess the legendary "fuck you" money. I can sit there and rationalize why it's not important, or make excuses why it's not really what I'm after, but truth be told it is the ONLY thing that seems to make sense. Trust me, I'd find happiness as soon as I had been released from the obligatory control of my corporate masters and debtors.

Some people place different dollar values on what their definition is, and I think mine is pretty modest in contrast to the reality of what a lot of people actually have. This isn't a laziness thing either, it's almost exclusively about control and my issues with direct authority. The manager. The bank. The credit card companies. With the money that I desire, I would never have to live in fear as I do now. This fear is one I once foolishly believed would cease when I graduated from high school.

My work life is dehumanizing. I'm aware it sounds cliche. For me it seems to affect me more than other people though. I'm penalized in life for having this personality of mine. If it were something as simple as, "Just learn how to accept micromanagement and authority," I wouldn't even be talking about it right now. This whole thing goes back to the beginning of my life. The things that people have done to me and believed I was have caused me to live with perpetual shame and depression.

There have been so many incidents where I've been looked at as a failure and inept when the truth is the opposite. Even now I still fall victim to it. Unfortunately these are the ones now that hold my future in their hands so there is reason for me to keep my mouth shut and not fight back or defend myself. A personality that wants to boss/bully others around will not deal well with being told they're wrong and having it proven to them. Instead it'll just become personal and they will stop at nothing to find a reason to destroy that person. I don't want to be that person, so the lesser of the two evils is for me to instead nod and smile.

I need "fuck you" money like I need air to breath.

The Limit

I guess that I feel limited at times when I see the darkness inside my mind. I'm stuck there and it seems impossible to escape. The sky is up above and I still can't seem to jump more than a foot or so in the air.

If I knew how to swim up the streams of air, or possessed a large sum of money to invest in a technology that would allow upward movement is be fine, though unfortunately I have neither of these at the moment. What I have are a few faded glow-in-the-dark scribblings on the pitch black walls in my head which express trite motivational expressions. I've yet to see the truth in them, yet I've still not given up hope.

Through the narrow port hole I can still see with one eye the clouds move through the blue ocean above. I'm inspired to solve the puzzle of the trap I'm stuck inside. After all, what else is there to do aside from giving up?

I'm using my dreams to fuel the torch that allows me to search for the answer.

If I Were You

I am still catching myself trying to live up to an ideal that others made for me, projected on me. Most people throughout my life have seemed to interact with me inly if I comply with their image of who they think I am or should be. Outside of that, I'm just being a jerk or an idiot apparently.

Granted, I do tend to connect with certain people a whole lot more than others based on their personalities, however most of the time I'm cool with just about anyone regardless of our differences. Politics, religion, morals, interests, etc. I try damn hard to meet everyone at the middle ground, where I'm able to truly see others as the physical expressions of energy in the universe, beings of light, rather than volumes of rules and dogma.

Here I am though, caught in that pesky trap where I try to be altruistic and humble yet here I am preaching a specific way of life. I suppose realizing and observing this is the one thing I should be doing. Too much thinking, not enough doing, observing, and experiencing these moments.

Blackened Wings

So my life just gets more and more interesting with each passing second. No amount of fiction could ever compare to truth. We know it's there and we can prove it, however we can never actually see or hear it. But I can feel it! So dark it leaves me pale and of shallow breath.

The pumps and pipes frozen within an infinite second.

I can feel its gaze upon my guilt, together in a fresh baked room, bathed with its absence of light. If he had a face his eyes would be solid and black, unmoving, focused. And what bothers me more is that he'd be smiling. Such an awful grin.

My shadow. He hides in others but now I feel when I stare into the mirror, those eyes aren't my own.

What if the mouse knew the cheddar trap, and yet continued to fall victim to it? I'm hoping she wouldn't be able to control herself. Because if she can, I'll never allow myself to feel that any of our progress will ever matter. I want to believe that our programming can be halted and overwritten.

But alas! Here I am yet another lonely night in the Brave New World we all wanted and paid for after our parents finally kicked the bucket. Then my shame arrived. Was there ever supposed to be a cap to the madness, the plateau of progress, the highest reaches of success? What was our endgame? I've cheated the system, or so I thought?

And so I'm left with this. The muffled, faint chatter and laughter behind me still warm inside where the party continues unmoved. The cold air rushes upwards from the side of the building and I'll feel it lift me up and tense me up, making the current environment uninhabitable. Was it ever really a healthy place to see?

I wait on the bench amongst the fallen angels, their blackened wings covering my tears.

And oh do they flow. So very freely they flow...

Better

Generally things can be going good and even though you still feel like the achieving of life's goals are on hiatus, that's just fine. Good things have been happening to me lately. Perhaps it's not that, it could be that actually the bad stuff finally ceased. Perhaps none of the above statements are true and I'm just now feeling comfortable despite my situation.

If I think about it, I now have a new day job where I'm required to sit in traffic all day to get to and from the site. There is no apprehension or resentment, just 100% natural acceptance.

My money has been low and dwindling and yet I'm not panicking.

I know very clearly that outside of my obligations I have plenty to keep me occupied. Most of the time I'll find myself in the presence with others that care about me. My subconscious mind is now beginning to conceptualize this fact so the rest of me is feeling it. It just took a bit of reprogramming.

There's always something to look forward to these days as well. Events appear so numerous that I'm able to choose which I want to attend, the ones that fit in with me. No desperation! I look forward to performing and am getting back into the swing of it too. Oh how I missed the days of playing gigs and having a blast!

Ever since the tumor was removed, my life has gotten much better. Much MUCH better.

Down The Hall

It's not every day, but some days I still get this way. It's most likely weather and chemical issues. The curse of the first world problems. When provided with every toy imaginable, can life still seem uninspired and lacking meaning? My assumption, based on my years of experience with this sort of problem, is that these feelings are not circumstantial aside from perhaps neglect on my part to be more vigilant in my battle against the rain clouds. If I feel guilt I'll just be adding fuel to the fire.

So I'd rather just put it out there in the open to get a clear shot of it with my stun gun. It's best I distance myself from it before it tries to consume me. The lure is so tempting and I'd be a fool to not acknowledge that. Comfort in my own home away from the world where I am the ruler, the god. My megalomaniacal tendencies would be satisfied if I'd have the opportunity to mope around the house a bit, and perpetuate my delusions of grandeur in a world of unchecked behaviors. Even just to sit in my own car parked, alone, drifting off into an ambient musical void through my earbuds. I could park in the shade, and then even the sunlight wouldn't be permitted inside.

At the back of the bus. Silently observing. Not participating.

These are the feelings I get and I'm very aware of them now. For so many years I had erroneously believed that one day I'd bring resolution to the grand problem in my life, the happy ending, in which my emotional disturbances would cease to exist and never return. Now I know better. The darkness will forever remain inside and it's up to me to take care of it and not let it take care of me. I'm optimistic though because unlike before, I now have it in a cage. I'll take it for the occasional walk to get some fresh air, though I make sure to return it to it's place. And I always have to consistently let it know who's alpha in the relationship. The years prior had been detrimental because I let it walk all over me, so now it's my job to recondition the darkness.

I still need the darkness. I just don't need the darkness running my life.

Most of the time I'll actually be having quite a pleasant time, and I'll find myself struggling with it only on the rarest of occasions. As long as I know and accept that this is a natural part of my life I'll be good.

Down the hall, it'll always remain.

So What? Simple.

Since this is now officially my personal blog treated as a journal/diary, I shall have to begin laying it all on hard. I need this more that you need to read this.

The Autumn of 2011 brought me some interesting challenges. Fuck it... I was a victim of some horrible karma of some kind. My chimney was rebuilt, my basement was flooded and rendered uninhabitable, my father killed himself, my wife told me she hasn't loved me for years and has been living a lie which led up to divorce, I discovered what credit card debt looks like, my work production has failed, and finally, to bring in the new year, I get fired from my job.

Not sure where to start or end. It's really just a dark entity that permeates the entirety of an infinite hyperspace that exists within me. I'm making conscious effort not to feed it anymore, though my world seems to be giving me every reason to do so. It's really a struggle for me to stand up, forcing myself to see things as they are and not get so negative about them, yet I try. But why? I've been told that the best way of approaching this stuff is to allow myself to feel the way I do and just simply observe what's going on.

Within me at the moment, since it was today that I was terminated, there is a mild sense of fear about the future. The position I had provided me a sense (perhaps false?) of security when it came to handling future situations. I knew I'd get a paycheck the following week and would be able to use that to pay the mortgage on my home. Without the job, there's no money coming in, and in the future thinking I fear that I may not acquire enough money in the right amount of time to pay my debtors. That's where my anxiety is coming from it seems. I'm somewhat attached to my current home, which I'm told is actually a temporary thing anyhow. Perhaps another part of my negative feelings come from the unforeseen work and obligations I'm going to have very soon. The paperwork, the applying for jobs, more letdowns, driving all over, budgeting, etc.

However as I observe all this I feel a sense of space within it all. What is actually happening to me right at this moment? I'm sitting in a comfortable chair typing away on a pretty nice laptop in a warm bedroom feeling little to no pain in my body. I'm hyper focused on composing words and therefore very much in the present moment, outside of the thoughts that I must have in order to fill this with actual content. I really could care less whether or not these words are read by anyone other than myself, and I'm at peace just simply doing this.

Simplicity is part of making one's life much easier, more stress-free. All the suffering I could be enduring right now would all be justified wholeheartedly by my ego and I'd be in quite a lot of pain throughout the process. It would exhaust me, and I wouldn't be as productive in solving the issue at hand, which is "What to do about money?" It's a problem that, as difficult and stressful as it may sound, has an attainable solution.

The best advice I had today was to focus my effort on simply that. I have all the help I need, support structure from my peers, and it's completely possible to come to a positive outcome, regardless of how I may or may not think it will turn out. If I keep just the essential in mind throughout the process I'll be well off.

So that is the path I've chosen.