Despite books, years upon years of wisdom, this nonsense won't seem to quit. It's like a bug in the software that never seems to be cleaned out. An exercise I've not done in forever, it's something that I don't even remember how to do. That, and it's painfully obvious to me how subpar the stuff I've done is in contrast to what's out there. You can't get good unless you're failing and trying stuff out a bunch but I'm so sick of the mediocrity. The lack of free time, true free time, is also a factor. And when I do have the free time I squander it all away on nonsense like staring at the fucking wall for hours at a time, thinking to myself "Seriously? What the hell is wrong with me?"
I'm putting a lot of unnecessary pressure and judgment on myself despite all my attempts and being vulnerable. The day job has been killing me in more ways than one. It's like this slow, deadly fungus that eats away at you gradually and over time it just gets progressively worse, so bad that you constantly feel like you've already crossed the event horizon with no real way back. The race is still happening and I'm closer to the starting line than I am at the finish, which is where pretty much everyone else is at. "Don't compare yourself to others," I get it, I get it. What happened to my priorities? When did appeasing others take precedent in my life when I used to create and put works out assertively? Did I just stop realizing how important it is? Or did the awareness of all the other stuff humble me so heavily into the point of discouragement, as if to say "You guys all already have this, there's no need for me to put myself out there."
Before the internet we collectively all found it easy to put ourselves out there. We weren't painfully aware of all the shovelware, the stuff being made that has essentially no perceived value. Years ago even shovelware shined. The classics now unfortunately only matter superficially, like sentimental little anecdotes that barely rise above the noise for more than a few fleeting moments. Temporary novelty. None of these are excuses, however being painfully aware of what's working against you is something that hurts more than it helps.
Perhaps anyone successful can be looked at as a complete idiot in some respects. The fool, so careless in their ways, seems to be the one that tends to be in the spotlight. They ask and they receive. Common wisdom is to rely on one's self and not be a burden, however almost all of those out there asking and receiving seem to be actually living their lives instead of being shackled down to the personal prisons. I feel stuck on this flat ledge, too afraid to climb to the next to change my situation because I tell myself that it's not worth the risk, to potentially threaten my survival. My inability to discern between the "necessary leaps of faith" and the "moments of petty gamble and luxury" is something that holds me back from escaping from my cell.
I've been conditioned to be convenient to the environment around me, at the cost of my individuality. The carrot dangles on the string in front of me. Always there to remind me of the hope of a fulfilling future that never seems to happen. I bring my attention to the present moment as often as possible and yet I can't seem to connect to what it is I really need to be doing anymore.
Perhaps it's that my hyper awareness has brought me to the point of emotional paralysis, in that I'm playing the role everyone wants me to play and I'm being rewarded in that there's little to no conflict in my life. Would a trust fund of immeasurable wealth be something that helps or hampers my overall life satisfaction and self-defined purpose? I'm redefining what it is that I want most in life. Having grand amounts of wealth has been one of those things that I don't really see happening any time soon, and part of me feels that it's not what I'm really after anyhow.
The cessation of my current career path IS something I deeply wish could happen. While no job is truly secure, my current one unarguably is stable in that it provides real, proven consistency in pay and expectations. It brings comfort in that my financial obligations are (mostly) taken care of, which includes the requirements for my children not to feel like they're living in poverty, and that I'm not necessarily any sort of financial burden on their mother. But despite the current situation "working" in some ways, I also feel like there are no real moments I feel fulfilled, like all the hopes and wishes I have, as meager as they are, are never going to happen. The things that motivate me most in life seem to be vanishing leaving only the melancholy and apathy in it's place. A machine producing enough to meet the minimum requirements to serve it's purpose.
It's the real part of adulthood that always worried me growing up. While I had lots of friends as a kid, as I get older I'm getting scared of losing them all and never actually being able to connect anymore. Social media, that double edged sword, has eaten what little hope I have left and I've become a slave to the brief, cocaine-high I feel each time I have these little interactions online, missing out on the whole real life experience I used to crave and to an extent still do. Social media solved problems but created so many new unforeseen ones. I'm not happy at all. I don't feel connected. My art hasn't been happening for so long that no one really acknowledges I ever was that person, let alone being that person today. I'm riding with the facade of those dreams of the past that only now appear in snapshots.
Perhaps it's time I make a huge stand in my life. I reevaluate my priorities and make the hard decisions I've been putting off on forever. If I want things to be different I need to swim upstream a bit and take all the beatings that comes with doing that. What I need is discomfort, to destroy and to put back together the "me" that I've been lately. I'm so fucking sick of being the sucker, the one people speak nicely of until I stop doing and being who they want me to be. I need to passionately assert myself in the face of opposition because who I really am will never make everyone happy and I need to be okay with that.
If I really want to be the author in my life, I need to start writing again.
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