Obligated

I overthink. It's difficult for me these days to go into situations without having the blue prints ahead of time. This is why I stopped writing for awhile. The anxiety became barely manageable and so to cope I removed myself from as many responsibilities as I could. Leisure and socializing took the brunt of the downsizing because I have children and I convinced myself (erroneously) that being a parent is being a slave, and even then I still don't feel like I'm doing enough for them. It's anxiety again, in this case it's a fear that I'm not up to par with the parenting standards of 2016 and so everyone will hold it against me, including my kids when they are older.

See, there I go overthinking again. The kids and I love each other and are met with presence and all the necessities, so feeling like this has more to do with me than anything else. All the while I feel shame when I'm free just one evening to create and work on projects for myself.

Perhaps I should start seeing my wants/needs as valid rather than purely selfish in the eyes of those around me. I miss my days and nights of sitting there writing and coming up with all sorts of creative ideas. Performances were something I looked forward to beyond anything else, along with consistently being in the company of good people. Creative environments are where I thrive and for the most part that's where I used to be.

On the same token, I fear others wanting to control me. I started my own project to have absolute control over my means of expression. Being in a band and collaborating was usually a pleasant experience, though in terms of personal expression it was difficult due to all the hard compromises. Again, it's fine but it's not something I feel fulfills who I actually am. I've been faced with self criticism with not allowing others to collaborate with me and doing almost everything myself, and yet deep down I feel it's really the only way, and know it in my heart to be true. Tons of great musicians work alone, so why am the selfish one? Books are usually authored by one person. My fear of being coerced into collaborating is a huge factor in why I stopped playing. Over the years this fear has not diminished one bit, and if anything I've become even more protective over my personal expression. I've let others know this subtly and obviously yet it never seems to register. To be clear, I like collaborating though it needs to be secondary to my personal stuff and can't bleed over.

Others: "Let me write with you!"
Me: *tries hiding panic attack* "Yeah soon maybe."

It's become apparent to me that I have issues communicating. In social situations, people tend to see me as very approachable, an extrovert, and don't believe me if I try to explain that I actually need to be by myself often. I cherish social situations, especially shows and performances, and yet I also require lots of "me time," which I struggle asking for. My current day job eats up more hours than any of my prior ones ever could, even without overtime, and with what little free time I have I feel obligated to make sure no one else needs me first before I take time to myself. I feel like like time to myself is more of a luxury than a healthy requirement to life.

A good portion of my life was spent wandering aimlessly through minefields. After enough mines detonate you learn to perfect the art of tip-towing quietly. I've not run or even walked in quite awhile even though the hidden mines are so few these days. I'm an adult so I really have no one else to answer to. I own my home. My day job is tedious and I'm forced to behave, though outside of that my life belongs to me again. Old habits die hard. I'm still overly concerned with the well-being of others and fear stepping on their toes doing the things that I actually want to do. Jealousy comes into play more often than I'd like to admit in that I feel envious of those out there able to go places and work on things that I want to work on. Not specific things, just the type of things that I could be doing right now. I hear music produced by teenagers these days that make my old stuff sound completely pathetic. More pathetic is the fact that I know I'm capable of quite a bit of greatness if I'm allowed to be.

Allowed to be.

In my mind the critic still reigns king. My desire for escapism keeps me in my head all day where everything I do is amazing and all my dreams come true, but it's no replacement for the real thing. The real thing on most days feels like I'm asking too much and I don't want anyone mad at me. It's driven me to the point of full blown neurosis bordering on the psychotic.

It may be that I'm imagining more mines than there actually are out there. I feel judged constantly and when others aren't doing it, I'm doing it to myself. Even simple jokes and ribbing hurt like the real thing, though I have to pretend that I can "take a few punches." Extreme sensitivity while maintaining the facade of pretending to have it all together. I've yearned for others to just simply be present with me and usually all I get are people trying to "fix" me, which always ALWAYS comes across as condescending and patronizing, like I'm a 5 year old.

I'm not looking for people to fix me, I'm looking for people to hear me.

When I'm present with others and they confide in me, their venting, I actually get a good feeling. Conversely I'm bothered when someone assumes they know more than me when they clearly don't have any idea, and it's an insult to my intelligence. I have to tell myself that they mean to do well while it's obvious to me (perhaps not to them) that they just want to have control over me. But I constantly feel obligated to placate their egos, obligated to make sure others are okay with me, obligated to work for others until my fingers and have nothing to show for it, obligated to accept mediocrity and my life of servitude, obligated to destroy all my dreams and stay blind to the wishing stars.

Obligated to not be me.