It's interesting. The relationship between the outside world and the inside world. How they affect each other. One's mind uses the body to conform the world around. The world, with it's powerful omnipresence, molds and forms the body and mind to it's will. A manipulative, codependent relationship. That's not true. I don't believe the outside world requires the observers. It's indifferent.
My meter is calibrated differently than others'. What's too much and too little is only relative. Varying degrees of one or the other.
When one world becomes unbearable I retreat to the other, arms flailing. I shut my mouth and let others speak, or I hide away and close my eyes.
City Cyan
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Probably Should Be Using This
Everyday I used to post. Well, back perhaps five or six years ago. Ten years ago, definitely. Posting kept me connected to the objective world, whatever that is. I can say I have nothing to say, and that would be a paradox. That was said, so it was something.
I've been on fluoxetine for over a year now. If I had to guess, I'd say it's only been beneficial. It stops me in my tracks before I can really get depressed or angry. The stuff is almost like a new voice in my head, whispering quietly every once in awhile. "Down? But why?" This, along with consistent meditation. Now I realize how much power I gave to material possessions and, regardless of value, have given most of them up. Sold the things that would sell and disposed of the stuff that wouldn't, by either donation or by simply tossing in the trash bin. There's still more work to be done. Isn't there always?
A new baby is on the way, perhaps in another week or so. If my stress threshold hasn't been tested enough, this will bring it to the next level. It will test my patience for dealing with more things outside of my control. I consider myself on the right track though. Certain things, upon immediate reflection, will be allowed to be. Instead of judging the situation and claiming it's wrong, panicking, I simply observe and examine. Take a step back. Of course, I have to be consistently reminding myself to do so and do catch myself forgetting.
Control yourself.
With my new Kindle e-book reader I've been reading quite a bit. No real video game playing. No real TV or movie watching. Between that and my Zune HD, I think I pretty much have everything to keep me entertained, especially at work!
Also, I gained about twenty-five pounds in the past few months. I'm guessing that my more relaxed state, and lack of exercise, has caused me to eat a bit more than I'm used to, even just subconsciously. That, and we switched from ground turkey meat and turkey bacon to beef and regular bacon. Half & half in my coffee too. And no more Rockstar Energy drinks. Just coffee.
I've been on fluoxetine for over a year now. If I had to guess, I'd say it's only been beneficial. It stops me in my tracks before I can really get depressed or angry. The stuff is almost like a new voice in my head, whispering quietly every once in awhile. "Down? But why?" This, along with consistent meditation. Now I realize how much power I gave to material possessions and, regardless of value, have given most of them up. Sold the things that would sell and disposed of the stuff that wouldn't, by either donation or by simply tossing in the trash bin. There's still more work to be done. Isn't there always?
A new baby is on the way, perhaps in another week or so. If my stress threshold hasn't been tested enough, this will bring it to the next level. It will test my patience for dealing with more things outside of my control. I consider myself on the right track though. Certain things, upon immediate reflection, will be allowed to be. Instead of judging the situation and claiming it's wrong, panicking, I simply observe and examine. Take a step back. Of course, I have to be consistently reminding myself to do so and do catch myself forgetting.
Control yourself.
With my new Kindle e-book reader I've been reading quite a bit. No real video game playing. No real TV or movie watching. Between that and my Zune HD, I think I pretty much have everything to keep me entertained, especially at work!
Also, I gained about twenty-five pounds in the past few months. I'm guessing that my more relaxed state, and lack of exercise, has caused me to eat a bit more than I'm used to, even just subconsciously. That, and we switched from ground turkey meat and turkey bacon to beef and regular bacon. Half & half in my coffee too. And no more Rockstar Energy drinks. Just coffee.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
You Bet!
Blah blah. Haven't blogged in awhile. Facebook. Twitter. Life. You know, excuses.
I've surpassed 20k words on my novel. For once I don't completely hate what I'm writing. Nanowrimo asked for 50k, and I tried, but it's not easy with a full time job, family, and more excuses.
Ah shoot. I haven't made coffee yet. Ask me later about the rest of my thoughts.
I've surpassed 20k words on my novel. For once I don't completely hate what I'm writing. Nanowrimo asked for 50k, and I tried, but it's not easy with a full time job, family, and more excuses.
Ah shoot. I haven't made coffee yet. Ask me later about the rest of my thoughts.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Perhaps I Should
I think I'm being nostalgic in saying that I miss writing in a blog. I've gotten so used to not writing that I've struggled for hours trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. After all that time, unfortunately I'm still left with a blank.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Seriously, You're Reading This?
Since I know it's probably not a good idea to upset the apple cart, especially because I really don't feel like arguing, I'm just going to vent at the wall here.
So, I hear these Scientists want to build a Science Research Center near Hiroshima. Just what we need right, like a slap in the face to all those who died there. Seriously, we don't need more scientists building nuclear bombs, and this would create more! In protest, I'm burning a few Physics and Chemistry Text Books. (Obviously from the library, because damned if I have $200 to burn!)
So, I hear these Scientists want to build a Science Research Center near Hiroshima. Just what we need right, like a slap in the face to all those who died there. Seriously, we don't need more scientists building nuclear bombs, and this would create more! In protest, I'm burning a few Physics and Chemistry Text Books. (Obviously from the library, because damned if I have $200 to burn!)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Another Bi-annual Post?
Here's where I'm at now:
I recently released the Medicant Downline album "Test Subject" as a Physical CD and Digital Download through numerous places: CDbaby, CD Universe, FIXTStore, Amazon.com, iTunes, etc. The best place to go to get updated on that sorta thing is MDband.com. It's the only way to prevent me from shilling any further.
What else is new since the last post in February? Oh yes, baby on the way, due in December. This makes numero dos! So we've been making all the necessary preparations for that as of late. (well...not much, really just have to buy a new stroller)
Seriously though, I'm active as hell on Facebook for no reason. That's not true, there's always a reason. Attention, obviously. I crave it. Go figure? So much so that I've connected with over 350 people to date, all of whom I personally have known or have spoken to in the past. It's wild how many people out there we come across throughout our lives. It also never ceases to amaze me when someone I know knows someone else I know. Somehow it makes me feel more legitimate. Does that make sense? Then again, CT is such a small state. If you're not careful you end up bumping into a dozen friends at any given time or place.
That, and it's a small world after all.
Wii and Xbox 360 with Netflix take up much of my leisure time at home. I'll get into a game here or there. I've taken to watching a bunch of TV shows. Watched Lost until it ended. Fringe and V are now my new shows, along with Mythbusters and Pitchmen.
On that note, I'm off to twist a few knobs.
I recently released the Medicant Downline album "Test Subject" as a Physical CD and Digital Download through numerous places: CDbaby, CD Universe, FIXTStore, Amazon.com, iTunes, etc. The best place to go to get updated on that sorta thing is MDband.com. It's the only way to prevent me from shilling any further.
What else is new since the last post in February? Oh yes, baby on the way, due in December. This makes numero dos! So we've been making all the necessary preparations for that as of late. (well...not much, really just have to buy a new stroller)
Seriously though, I'm active as hell on Facebook for no reason. That's not true, there's always a reason. Attention, obviously. I crave it. Go figure? So much so that I've connected with over 350 people to date, all of whom I personally have known or have spoken to in the past. It's wild how many people out there we come across throughout our lives. It also never ceases to amaze me when someone I know knows someone else I know. Somehow it makes me feel more legitimate. Does that make sense? Then again, CT is such a small state. If you're not careful you end up bumping into a dozen friends at any given time or place.
That, and it's a small world after all.
Wii and Xbox 360 with Netflix take up much of my leisure time at home. I'll get into a game here or there. I've taken to watching a bunch of TV shows. Watched Lost until it ended. Fringe and V are now my new shows, along with Mythbusters and Pitchmen.
On that note, I'm off to twist a few knobs.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Whoa
Looks like I'm back into the habit of blogging again. The first sentence is my one piece of crucial evidence in this case.
I've been battling a lifelong struggle of trying to maintain good habits, or rather habits in general! I could never be a full time smoker for more than a month or so. One has to admire the willpower of the alcoholic. Knowing the consequences, the detriment this behavior causes to the human body over time, and yet not letting any of that nonsense stand in the way of your true desire.
I suppose now I'm in the habit of obsessively selling my junk on eBay and drinking cheap $0.60 energy drinks. It's my passion, for the moment. I've hit that wall that I assume many millionaires get, where you begin amassing enough money to be able to buy things for fun and recreation, though you've found that there's really nothing you absolutely need. The only difference in my case is that I don't have a million dollars, and still have that car and mortgage to pay off.
Recently it was decided that photography would be a new hobby of mine. I came to this decision unfortunately at the start of the winter season, making it rather difficult to actually go out and take pictures. When the springtime comes around, I assume I'll have to plan around making time to actually go out to places and start snapping away. At least that's IF I get the free time. (and I'm motivated enough to use that time in a constructive manner)
Facebook is one of those things that has stuck in the past year for me. Of course, why wouldn't it? Where else can I obsessively refresh pages to see if anyone is listening to my trivial life updates? Well, I suppose Myspace, if it were still 2007. I remember obsessing over Farkle, a game similar to Yatzee, in which you continually click virtual dice over and over in hopes of getting a score slightly higher than half of the people on your friends list. Remember that one week you received 12,000 points, leaving everyone in the dust? Remember every other week when you couldn't even make 10th place? You said "Fuck it! These people probably play obsessively so obviously, based on the odds, they're bound to get a high score eventually. I'm not playing this more than 5 hours a week!"
10 hours later you sit there staring at a score of 3000 hating yourself even more.
The next thing would be to start a farm in Farmville, or join someone's mafia in Mafia Wars. At first it was hard to say no to the requests. "I just added this guy as a friend that I barely knew in high school! So I obviously can't not join his team, or else he'll DEfriend me, and we can't have that!" As of this date my number of 'friends' has surpassed the number of 300. It's easier than it looks. You can basically add anyone you attended the same high school as, or are friends of a friends of a friends with, because, like you, EVERYONE wants the highest number of friends. In fact, welcome back to the High School Popularity Contest you never had a chance of winning, and yet you tried anyhow. Finally this is your opportunity, so make the best of it!
And remember not to say anything too divisively political or religious, because who the fuck has time to sit there arguing with someone who cares a little too much about something that doesn't really matter? You know they won't let you get off easily!
Never say something like "The joy of being a fetus is never knowing if/when the hook of the clothes hanger will come by and pierce your heart. I've yet to meet a pro-choice embryo."
At least not if you want to get away from your computer every now and then.
I've been battling a lifelong struggle of trying to maintain good habits, or rather habits in general! I could never be a full time smoker for more than a month or so. One has to admire the willpower of the alcoholic. Knowing the consequences, the detriment this behavior causes to the human body over time, and yet not letting any of that nonsense stand in the way of your true desire.
I suppose now I'm in the habit of obsessively selling my junk on eBay and drinking cheap $0.60 energy drinks. It's my passion, for the moment. I've hit that wall that I assume many millionaires get, where you begin amassing enough money to be able to buy things for fun and recreation, though you've found that there's really nothing you absolutely need. The only difference in my case is that I don't have a million dollars, and still have that car and mortgage to pay off.
Recently it was decided that photography would be a new hobby of mine. I came to this decision unfortunately at the start of the winter season, making it rather difficult to actually go out and take pictures. When the springtime comes around, I assume I'll have to plan around making time to actually go out to places and start snapping away. At least that's IF I get the free time. (and I'm motivated enough to use that time in a constructive manner)
Facebook is one of those things that has stuck in the past year for me. Of course, why wouldn't it? Where else can I obsessively refresh pages to see if anyone is listening to my trivial life updates? Well, I suppose Myspace, if it were still 2007. I remember obsessing over Farkle, a game similar to Yatzee, in which you continually click virtual dice over and over in hopes of getting a score slightly higher than half of the people on your friends list. Remember that one week you received 12,000 points, leaving everyone in the dust? Remember every other week when you couldn't even make 10th place? You said "Fuck it! These people probably play obsessively so obviously, based on the odds, they're bound to get a high score eventually. I'm not playing this more than 5 hours a week!"
10 hours later you sit there staring at a score of 3000 hating yourself even more.
The next thing would be to start a farm in Farmville, or join someone's mafia in Mafia Wars. At first it was hard to say no to the requests. "I just added this guy as a friend that I barely knew in high school! So I obviously can't not join his team, or else he'll DEfriend me, and we can't have that!" As of this date my number of 'friends' has surpassed the number of 300. It's easier than it looks. You can basically add anyone you attended the same high school as, or are friends of a friends of a friends with, because, like you, EVERYONE wants the highest number of friends. In fact, welcome back to the High School Popularity Contest you never had a chance of winning, and yet you tried anyhow. Finally this is your opportunity, so make the best of it!
And remember not to say anything too divisively political or religious, because who the fuck has time to sit there arguing with someone who cares a little too much about something that doesn't really matter? You know they won't let you get off easily!
Never say something like "The joy of being a fetus is never knowing if/when the hook of the clothes hanger will come by and pierce your heart. I've yet to meet a pro-choice embryo."
At least not if you want to get away from your computer every now and then.
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