Complete the Bare Bones Skeleton

 Sometimes when I sit down and intend to write, I spend a good ten minutes or so doing nothing but yelling at myself for not being able to produce anything, stuck in a weird self-hate cycle. Like “No, you have nothing to say. Why are you even trying to write anyhow? You must be one of the most boring people out there, and definitely too boring to write anything worth reading.” Perhaps it should bring some peace of mind that I still hold the title as the undisputed champion of being able to criticize me. Others try to put me down at times, but they are just no match for the kind of brutality I can do to myself without any help whatsoever.

 I'm in the middle of completing a draft of a short story. Last week the idea just came to me and I threw down a good 2k words before I called it a day. Now I'm beginning to regret stopping at all as it's not been easy to pick it back up. Perhaps this is part of my issue with completing any of my works. I have hundreds upon hundreds of song ideas and story ideas, all unfinished, and I never seem to be able to bring myself to work on them, instead opting for getting into new stuff. I'm going to use this insight and try next time to just work from beginning to end in one sitting, like with a short story. If I can at least push through and build the shell of something with potential I feel a good chunk of my job will be already complete. I don't foresee myself being able to finalize anything in one sitting, though I really should at least complete the bare bones skeleton when I'm finally inspired to push something through.

 I'm psyching myself into writing more and perhaps actually completing this draft by the end of today, reminding myself that if there's some hesitation at any point that I can fix it later, just make a note. This stuff is work, no doubt about it, but it's work that I am compelled to do. There definitely is joy in the creative process, more so than the relief one feels when their work is finalized. After it's done, really it's just time to move on to the next work/project. I've gotten stuck at times going back over and over rereading and re listening to my works and feel like it's negatively impacted my push forward. Each creative person works differently and I think it's up to all of us to figure out what works best for us specifically and not just try to conform to something that only seems to work for others. For me it seems that I should just write from beginning to end, sit on it briefly, then look back and fix what needs to be fixed from beginning to end, then give it one more go before giving it to someone in the editing role. There's certain things in English grammar that I struggle with, the little things like accidentally writing in both past and present tense inconsistently, like “They walked and then saw the man. The man is really tall, and they are now speaking to him, looking up trying to meet his gaze while they were walking.” That sort of thing is really tedious and difficult for me to fix, extremely draining and it discourages me from building up my motivation or enthusiasm to continue.

 Expectations are a big one too. I want my works to be amazing, and after I write I'm almost always amazed in some ways. Then after the initial glow wears out, the critic enters and berates me. All the enthusiasm starts dying out, the positive energy sapped up by the critic and while I'm given all these things to work with I feel too terrible and inept to continue. Perhaps I'd benefit greatly from someone who could cheer me on when I'm having moments of self-doubt, and someone who could help fix the stuff that doesn't work whom I can fully trust their sound judgment.

 Writing entries like this at least help push me to try things and actually get my fingers on the keyboard, typing away and making something, anything. The habit begins to form again and it'll compel me to push forward with writing and completing projects. I'm not currently in an environment that fosters much creative work and so besides connecting with other actively creative people out there, this seems to be the best way that works for me to get motivated when I desperately want to work.

Source: http://chasingcheerios.blogspot.com/2012/09/studying-human-skeleton.html