Since this is now officially my personal blog treated as a journal/diary, I shall have to begin laying it all on hard. I need this more that you need to read this.
The Autumn of 2011 brought me some interesting challenges. Fuck it... I was a victim of some horrible karma of some kind. My chimney was rebuilt, my basement was flooded and rendered uninhabitable, my father killed himself, my wife told me she hasn't loved me for years and has been living a lie which led up to divorce, I discovered what credit card debt looks like, my work production has failed, and finally, to bring in the new year, I get fired from my job.
Not sure where to start or end. It's really just a dark entity that permeates the entirety of an infinite hyperspace that exists within me. I'm making conscious effort not to feed it anymore, though my world seems to be giving me every reason to do so. It's really a struggle for me to stand up, forcing myself to see things as they are and not get so negative about them, yet I try. But why? I've been told that the best way of approaching this stuff is to allow myself to feel the way I do and just simply observe what's going on.
Within me at the moment, since it was today that I was terminated, there is a mild sense of fear about the future. The position I had provided me a sense (perhaps false?) of security when it came to handling future situations. I knew I'd get a paycheck the following week and would be able to use that to pay the mortgage on my home. Without the job, there's no money coming in, and in the future thinking I fear that I may not acquire enough money in the right amount of time to pay my debtors. That's where my anxiety is coming from it seems. I'm somewhat attached to my current home, which I'm told is actually a temporary thing anyhow. Perhaps another part of my negative feelings come from the unforeseen work and obligations I'm going to have very soon. The paperwork, the applying for jobs, more letdowns, driving all over, budgeting, etc.
However as I observe all this I feel a sense of space within it all. What is actually happening to me right at this moment? I'm sitting in a comfortable chair typing away on a pretty nice laptop in a warm bedroom feeling little to no pain in my body. I'm hyper focused on composing words and therefore very much in the present moment, outside of the thoughts that I must have in order to fill this with actual content. I really could care less whether or not these words are read by anyone other than myself, and I'm at peace just simply doing this.
Simplicity is part of making one's life much easier, more stress-free. All the suffering I could be enduring right now would all be justified wholeheartedly by my ego and I'd be in quite a lot of pain throughout the process. It would exhaust me, and I wouldn't be as productive in solving the issue at hand, which is "What to do about money?" It's a problem that, as difficult and stressful as it may sound, has an attainable solution.
The best advice I had today was to focus my effort on simply that. I have all the help I need, support structure from my peers, and it's completely possible to come to a positive outcome, regardless of how I may or may not think it will turn out. If I keep just the essential in mind throughout the process I'll be well off.
So that is the path I've chosen.
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