Down The Hall

It's not every day, but some days I still get this way. It's most likely weather and chemical issues. The curse of the first world problems. When provided with every toy imaginable, can life still seem uninspired and lacking meaning? My assumption, based on my years of experience with this sort of problem, is that these feelings are not circumstantial aside from perhaps neglect on my part to be more vigilant in my battle against the rain clouds. If I feel guilt I'll just be adding fuel to the fire.

So I'd rather just put it out there in the open to get a clear shot of it with my stun gun. It's best I distance myself from it before it tries to consume me. The lure is so tempting and I'd be a fool to not acknowledge that. Comfort in my own home away from the world where I am the ruler, the god. My megalomaniacal tendencies would be satisfied if I'd have the opportunity to mope around the house a bit, and perpetuate my delusions of grandeur in a world of unchecked behaviors. Even just to sit in my own car parked, alone, drifting off into an ambient musical void through my earbuds. I could park in the shade, and then even the sunlight wouldn't be permitted inside.

At the back of the bus. Silently observing. Not participating.

These are the feelings I get and I'm very aware of them now. For so many years I had erroneously believed that one day I'd bring resolution to the grand problem in my life, the happy ending, in which my emotional disturbances would cease to exist and never return. Now I know better. The darkness will forever remain inside and it's up to me to take care of it and not let it take care of me. I'm optimistic though because unlike before, I now have it in a cage. I'll take it for the occasional walk to get some fresh air, though I make sure to return it to it's place. And I always have to consistently let it know who's alpha in the relationship. The years prior had been detrimental because I let it walk all over me, so now it's my job to recondition the darkness.

I still need the darkness. I just don't need the darkness running my life.

Most of the time I'll actually be having quite a pleasant time, and I'll find myself struggling with it only on the rarest of occasions. As long as I know and accept that this is a natural part of my life I'll be good.

Down the hall, it'll always remain.