Pebble in the Ocean

My engine doesn't seem like it was ever designed to handle the programming load that's been put upon it. In a small secluded life, a tiny fishbowl, I'm sure I'd have been in bliss. The ignorance of the outside world would have kept me going in the same fashion full of unwavering positive energy. Instead the glass broke and here I am flapping about in disbelief at the true size of the universe.

The knowledge of my abundance of options seems to be limiting my potential happiness. Paralyzed by fear of making even more bad decisions and living with even more regret, I struggle to choose what path I should continue down. My real, true desire my whole life it seems is to possess the legendary "fuck you" money. I can sit there and rationalize why it's not important, or make excuses why it's not really what I'm after, but truth be told it is the ONLY thing that seems to make sense. Trust me, I'd find happiness as soon as I had been released from the obligatory control of my corporate masters and debtors.

Some people place different dollar values on what their definition is, and I think mine is pretty modest in contrast to the reality of what a lot of people actually have. This isn't a laziness thing either, it's almost exclusively about control and my issues with direct authority. The manager. The bank. The credit card companies. With the money that I desire, I would never have to live in fear as I do now. This fear is one I once foolishly believed would cease when I graduated from high school.

My work life is dehumanizing. I'm aware it sounds cliche. For me it seems to affect me more than other people though. I'm penalized in life for having this personality of mine. If it were something as simple as, "Just learn how to accept micromanagement and authority," I wouldn't even be talking about it right now. This whole thing goes back to the beginning of my life. The things that people have done to me and believed I was have caused me to live with perpetual shame and depression.

There have been so many incidents where I've been looked at as a failure and inept when the truth is the opposite. Even now I still fall victim to it. Unfortunately these are the ones now that hold my future in their hands so there is reason for me to keep my mouth shut and not fight back or defend myself. A personality that wants to boss/bully others around will not deal well with being told they're wrong and having it proven to them. Instead it'll just become personal and they will stop at nothing to find a reason to destroy that person. I don't want to be that person, so the lesser of the two evils is for me to instead nod and smile.

I need "fuck you" money like I need air to breath.