Better

Generally things can be going good and even though you still feel like the achieving of life's goals are on hiatus, that's just fine. Good things have been happening to me lately. Perhaps it's not that, it could be that actually the bad stuff finally ceased. Perhaps none of the above statements are true and I'm just now feeling comfortable despite my situation.

If I think about it, I now have a new day job where I'm required to sit in traffic all day to get to and from the site. There is no apprehension or resentment, just 100% natural acceptance.

My money has been low and dwindling and yet I'm not panicking.

I know very clearly that outside of my obligations I have plenty to keep me occupied. Most of the time I'll find myself in the presence with others that care about me. My subconscious mind is now beginning to conceptualize this fact so the rest of me is feeling it. It just took a bit of reprogramming.

There's always something to look forward to these days as well. Events appear so numerous that I'm able to choose which I want to attend, the ones that fit in with me. No desperation! I look forward to performing and am getting back into the swing of it too. Oh how I missed the days of playing gigs and having a blast!

Ever since the tumor was removed, my life has gotten much better. Much MUCH better.

Down The Hall

It's not every day, but some days I still get this way. It's most likely weather and chemical issues. The curse of the first world problems. When provided with every toy imaginable, can life still seem uninspired and lacking meaning? My assumption, based on my years of experience with this sort of problem, is that these feelings are not circumstantial aside from perhaps neglect on my part to be more vigilant in my battle against the rain clouds. If I feel guilt I'll just be adding fuel to the fire.

So I'd rather just put it out there in the open to get a clear shot of it with my stun gun. It's best I distance myself from it before it tries to consume me. The lure is so tempting and I'd be a fool to not acknowledge that. Comfort in my own home away from the world where I am the ruler, the god. My megalomaniacal tendencies would be satisfied if I'd have the opportunity to mope around the house a bit, and perpetuate my delusions of grandeur in a world of unchecked behaviors. Even just to sit in my own car parked, alone, drifting off into an ambient musical void through my earbuds. I could park in the shade, and then even the sunlight wouldn't be permitted inside.

At the back of the bus. Silently observing. Not participating.

These are the feelings I get and I'm very aware of them now. For so many years I had erroneously believed that one day I'd bring resolution to the grand problem in my life, the happy ending, in which my emotional disturbances would cease to exist and never return. Now I know better. The darkness will forever remain inside and it's up to me to take care of it and not let it take care of me. I'm optimistic though because unlike before, I now have it in a cage. I'll take it for the occasional walk to get some fresh air, though I make sure to return it to it's place. And I always have to consistently let it know who's alpha in the relationship. The years prior had been detrimental because I let it walk all over me, so now it's my job to recondition the darkness.

I still need the darkness. I just don't need the darkness running my life.

Most of the time I'll actually be having quite a pleasant time, and I'll find myself struggling with it only on the rarest of occasions. As long as I know and accept that this is a natural part of my life I'll be good.

Down the hall, it'll always remain.

So What? Simple.

Since this is now officially my personal blog treated as a journal/diary, I shall have to begin laying it all on hard. I need this more that you need to read this.

The Autumn of 2011 brought me some interesting challenges. Fuck it... I was a victim of some horrible karma of some kind. My chimney was rebuilt, my basement was flooded and rendered uninhabitable, my father killed himself, my wife told me she hasn't loved me for years and has been living a lie which led up to divorce, I discovered what credit card debt looks like, my work production has failed, and finally, to bring in the new year, I get fired from my job.

Not sure where to start or end. It's really just a dark entity that permeates the entirety of an infinite hyperspace that exists within me. I'm making conscious effort not to feed it anymore, though my world seems to be giving me every reason to do so. It's really a struggle for me to stand up, forcing myself to see things as they are and not get so negative about them, yet I try. But why? I've been told that the best way of approaching this stuff is to allow myself to feel the way I do and just simply observe what's going on.

Within me at the moment, since it was today that I was terminated, there is a mild sense of fear about the future. The position I had provided me a sense (perhaps false?) of security when it came to handling future situations. I knew I'd get a paycheck the following week and would be able to use that to pay the mortgage on my home. Without the job, there's no money coming in, and in the future thinking I fear that I may not acquire enough money in the right amount of time to pay my debtors. That's where my anxiety is coming from it seems. I'm somewhat attached to my current home, which I'm told is actually a temporary thing anyhow. Perhaps another part of my negative feelings come from the unforeseen work and obligations I'm going to have very soon. The paperwork, the applying for jobs, more letdowns, driving all over, budgeting, etc.

However as I observe all this I feel a sense of space within it all. What is actually happening to me right at this moment? I'm sitting in a comfortable chair typing away on a pretty nice laptop in a warm bedroom feeling little to no pain in my body. I'm hyper focused on composing words and therefore very much in the present moment, outside of the thoughts that I must have in order to fill this with actual content. I really could care less whether or not these words are read by anyone other than myself, and I'm at peace just simply doing this.

Simplicity is part of making one's life much easier, more stress-free. All the suffering I could be enduring right now would all be justified wholeheartedly by my ego and I'd be in quite a lot of pain throughout the process. It would exhaust me, and I wouldn't be as productive in solving the issue at hand, which is "What to do about money?" It's a problem that, as difficult and stressful as it may sound, has an attainable solution.

The best advice I had today was to focus my effort on simply that. I have all the help I need, support structure from my peers, and it's completely possible to come to a positive outcome, regardless of how I may or may not think it will turn out. If I keep just the essential in mind throughout the process I'll be well off.

So that is the path I've chosen.

Where Am I?

So much to say, so little time.

No time now...

True Essence

I'm allowing the surfboard to take me where the waves flow. Non resistance has allowed me to live virtually stress free. I'm sure the meds have a roll to play in this, as well as the new freedom, though I really feel like it's the fact that I'm not clinging anymore that is making my life easier. The real me is coming out and asserting itself. It's the person I've been hiding from all these years out of fear.

There's so much repressed art inside of me that I feel like will be coming out in an explosion, like a nuclear bomb. I've felt it for so long and the device has been finally detonated, mature and ripe, ready to go. Out there is an audience that has been patiently waiting for the show to start. The house lights are now dim, the cheers of anticipation and excitement are omnipresent. I am now in a place where I feel it's time to show my full colors without restraint. I've been able to go past my line of sight to see clearly the truth, the truth about this world, the truth about myself.

I'm an artist. I'm a goddamn artist, and as long as I align myself with this fact I'll be living a fulfilling life. I'm no longer restraining and repressing my true nature, for it has only caused me pain and suffering. I've tried suffocating it like it was meant to be dead. I'm so grateful for it though, and am embracing it fully.

So what I'm at a Starbucks typing this at a table amongst a crowd of intellectual, hipster caffeine addicts? I don't care anymore! I feel at home wherever I go now! This place feels right! The other day I went and had a japanese lunch, by myself, and enjoyed it! Part of my growth has been the realization that I don't have to live for others, to only do what seems to appease the people around me. They can criticize all they want but if I know there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing I will continue to do it. I'm no longer basing how I feel about myself on what others think of me. Of course most people hear that statement and go, "Well, yeah, of course," yet never truly practice this principle. Growing up as a people pleaser due to my mom's aggressive upbringing, it was difficult for this concept to resonate within my psyche. It's like, everyone knows it's a good idea to eat healthy, though how many of us truly can accomplish this?

Perhaps it takes an event or series of events to break us and fix us. For me it definitely was the case, and I am forever grateful for what happened. It was full of pain, years of it, and every moment of it was worth it because of what the conclusion of it all was for me.

I broke apart my fake exoskeleton.
I broke apart my fake endoskeleton.
All that's left is my true essence.

Ep.002 - you.were.my.last.hope

Ep.001 - Hello World