True Essence

I'm allowing the surfboard to take me where the waves flow. Non resistance has allowed me to live virtually stress free. I'm sure the meds have a roll to play in this, as well as the new freedom, though I really feel like it's the fact that I'm not clinging anymore that is making my life easier. The real me is coming out and asserting itself. It's the person I've been hiding from all these years out of fear.

There's so much repressed art inside of me that I feel like will be coming out in an explosion, like a nuclear bomb. I've felt it for so long and the device has been finally detonated, mature and ripe, ready to go. Out there is an audience that has been patiently waiting for the show to start. The house lights are now dim, the cheers of anticipation and excitement are omnipresent. I am now in a place where I feel it's time to show my full colors without restraint. I've been able to go past my line of sight to see clearly the truth, the truth about this world, the truth about myself.

I'm an artist. I'm a goddamn artist, and as long as I align myself with this fact I'll be living a fulfilling life. I'm no longer restraining and repressing my true nature, for it has only caused me pain and suffering. I've tried suffocating it like it was meant to be dead. I'm so grateful for it though, and am embracing it fully.

So what I'm at a Starbucks typing this at a table amongst a crowd of intellectual, hipster caffeine addicts? I don't care anymore! I feel at home wherever I go now! This place feels right! The other day I went and had a japanese lunch, by myself, and enjoyed it! Part of my growth has been the realization that I don't have to live for others, to only do what seems to appease the people around me. They can criticize all they want but if I know there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing I will continue to do it. I'm no longer basing how I feel about myself on what others think of me. Of course most people hear that statement and go, "Well, yeah, of course," yet never truly practice this principle. Growing up as a people pleaser due to my mom's aggressive upbringing, it was difficult for this concept to resonate within my psyche. It's like, everyone knows it's a good idea to eat healthy, though how many of us truly can accomplish this?

Perhaps it takes an event or series of events to break us and fix us. For me it definitely was the case, and I am forever grateful for what happened. It was full of pain, years of it, and every moment of it was worth it because of what the conclusion of it all was for me.

I broke apart my fake exoskeleton.
I broke apart my fake endoskeleton.
All that's left is my true essence.