Alone

I've realized that I have horrible abandonment issues. I mean, REAL severe. My body starts having a panic attack when my perception is that I'm being left alone. This came from many years of thinking more than anything I loved being all by myself. Perhaps it's just grown over time, and the seeds of this were sown in my childhood.

This may be one of the root causes of my fear and sadness. It's the feeling that I don't matter. Even worse, it's the feeling that all these deep social connections that I make with others will inevitably disappear. The joy I feel now will soon become a void of sadness. Despite what I may say, I'm a very trusting and loving person for the most part. I want to see the best in people. I yearn to forge deep relationships with others.


Yet despite that, I have a my fears. These fears have been created from all the years of being put down and let down. When we all reached a certain age, a good portion of my friends began making excuses why they should stop hanging out with me. Some of them became bullies outright, mostly to impress their new friends.

Then there were girls. I would become close and then be shot down quite often, shoved into the 'friend zone,' or they'd instead completely disassociate with me entirely. But there were the few that seemed interested at first, and these ones are where my pain really becomes apparent. It was always after a short period of time that they'd eventually get caught cheating on me. I mean, ALL of them aside from perhaps one or two.

Then there were the in-between ones that strung me along to a certain point, but then walled me up when it came down to making things official. They allowed me to pursue them and give my hopes up. I got far, too far to be casual. I suppose when they came to their senses they'd look at me clearly and go, "Oh! No way..."


I fear the carrot is being dangled in front of me, and will be swiftly pulled away if I get too close or if I hesitate.

The world I live in is empty and aching for life. The walls need to be painted, and the painter keeps telling me he'll be there, but never actually shows up. I'm left sitting on my front porch staring into the rain waiting with just my eyes and my thoughts. I spend my patience and hope in tiny increments and always end up running on fumes.

All I have are my dreams. I have a reasonable amount of control of the world inside. The dreams are fed with art and stories.

Warm embraces, acceptance, care, love, non-judgement, mutual benefits, unlimited wealth, the presence of creativity and expression, and the absence of fear and loneliness.

- Ether