No Exception

STOP BEING LAZY! RECORD YOUR THOUGHTS!

I spend way too much time in my head. The things that are going on need to be written down. Why? Do I want to potentially self-incriminate? Not at all, especially since I'm not committing any crimes that I'm aware of.

To work on myself I have to be honest with myself. I know my desires and I know where my morals are. Do I always live up to them? Perhaps not, though usually it's the case. Everything is easier said than done, or in my case, easier "thought" than done. It seems as if I try to rationalize that all of my desires are possible and attainable, yet what I want goes well beyond the normal realm in my life. There's only 24 hours in a day, and I only have 2 hands!

It's true, I don't have any hard drug or substance abuse addictions. In an odd way though, it clouds my judgement and feeds into my delusion that I'm "just fine." I see other people with issues and I tell myself, "Wow, I'm doing well for myself." Instead, I should be realizing that no one's perfect, everyone needs work, and I'm no exception. The comparisons to other people serve as a weak defense mechanism, which is a wall I put up to prevent me from seeing the full picture, mostly from fear.

I truthfully have had a lifelong affliction with procrastination. It's fear driven. Making decisions is perceived as risky, so I'd rather buy more and more time to think things through. The guilt and anxiety builds and I make myself into an emotional wreck. Others are then disappointed in my indecision, my lack of productivity. This then also adds to the weight on my back, the snowball effect. Then when I achieve anything it feels so much less joyous, because it's just one of MANY things that I have on my table that should have already been done in the first place. I don't feel worthy of praise for anything I do when I finally get around to doing it. Then when I don't receive any praise...I go off the deep end!

The problem is me. I know it. I need help, and I've asked for it. My mother always just dumped

her problems on me and all her frustrations. She could never be constructive in helping me through these negative behaviors, but instead just made me feel more guilty and add to my desire to make more excuses, thus sink deeper into denial. I became venomous, and also more apathetic. Any 'thing' I'd worry about would become too emotionally draining, so instead I hid under a rock. The guilt would still build. My anxiety would then manifest in emotional unavailability and outbursts of rage.

I'd compare myself to others I knew, and others I just knew of. My thoughts would turn to jealousy, in which I'd then foolishly believe that I wasn't worthy of most things, happiness being one of them. Could I have gone to college after high school? Sure! I could have been paid for a portion of it too! Instead, when I brought it up to her, my mother communicated to me that I wouldn't be able to 'handle' college. A year later she scolded me and said I could have gone for basically nothing, and I was stupid for not doing it.

I think that sums it up pretty well. Trial and error. I try, and they say I'm making an error.