Newer music has been in the works for far too long. I’ve writing demos upon demos of ideas that have been floating around since Test Subject, and I’ve even been incorporating riffs and keyboard lines from the 90’s when I was still using a 4-track cassette recorder and MIDI files played through my Roland XP-10 keyboard. I’ve become more honest with myself about what I feel that I should be writing and performing in accordance with who I really am and what I’m about. My art is definitely not for everyone so I’ve resolved to just keep on doing what I do and ignore anyone else who may not be interested. As an artist you tend to struggle with the balance between producing widely acceptable, attractive works and producing specific, unique expressive works. If you go too much one way you’re just selling out and it feels soulless, too commercial and impersonal, and then if you go too much the other way you’re pretty much making stuff that only you and a few die-hard fans who justify your bad decisions.
I’ve found out who I really am and have (mostly) accepted it. My hesitation in completing and publishing has everything to do with holding myself back out of fear of non-acceptance. I really don’t want to waste my time on something that isn’t in some ways at least objectively good. We all have our tastes and opinions, which is fine and I accept that now, though I feel like I’m capable of producing work that one could at least look at and agree that, although not particularly their ‘thing’, can still be considered ‘well done.’
The new works also have to sound undeniably professional in all aspects, which involve benchmarks on the actual sound mixing quality, the quality of the subject audio recordings, and the overall variety of songs while still retaining a sort of similar identity without using tired clichés. This will not require an unattainable budget, more modest in terms of what has been spent normally on independent projects. It may require the assistance of multiple talents in which will help to insure all benchmarks are met even if I myself am not fully capable in all aspects of the process, as well as generally having a more objective perspective on the material at hand. While I try hard to stay focused and motivated, I must honestly admit that it may be necessary for others to make sure the ball keeps rolling when it seems like it’s slowing down again. Conditions must be right, or made right, in order to allow the project to come to an eventual completion.
My goal right now is to have something to hold in my hands before the end of the year. It’s feasible to have something by the end of the summer. If I keep a relatively consistent schedule of working on the project then there’s every reason for this to become a reality. While my life in the past decade has become chock full of responsibilities I also acknowledge that much of it is unnecessary. I’ve wasted a lot of time playing out too much in my head, multiple upon multiple scenarios, and as a result I have nothing to show for it. Instead of taking chances I’ve played it safe and secure. I did gain a lot of perspective and way too much inspiration to deal with.
Perhaps a lot of this was necessary to give me the right mindset in life. Artists come in all shapes and sizes and produce works for various reasons. As opposed to before, I feel like I’m now better equipped to create for all the right ones. One has to ask “What am I getting from this?” and I feel like I have a good idea what’s in it for me, and it’s on the healthier side of things.
In the upcoming weeks I plan to complete a few new songs ready for live performance and for final production. I’m confident in the direction I’m going and will be holding myself true to the concept of these works. No more blind acceptance of the Naysayer’s opinion or that in which my irrational insecurities try to have me believe in.
I know exactly what I like and I’m doing it.
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