Rant On Status Updates

Seriously, no one cares about the trivial little things that happen to you, especially when they aren't involved. Oh my, you saw a fucking squirrel in your backyard. Your baby just burped. Someone just drove their car through your living room. These are common things that happen everyday, to all of us.

There are always those archetypal people commenting back on updates too:

comedian: says some kind of pun, or (intentionally) misinterprets what you say for humor purposes. Problem is, he's the only one who actually thinks what he writes is funny.

advisor: they always give you free advice, especially when you don't want it

stalker: it's to be assumed it's always some pathetic guy who keeps trying to let you know that he wants to f*ck you over and over, but obviously never has a chance with you because you only want @sshole fucks that could care less about you. (oops, that's another rant entirely)

now I created a new one: The Honest One: they say exactly what's on everyone's mind.

off to bed
comment: where's that?
comment: make sure you keep warm!
comment: how about with me?
comment: seriously, who f*ckin cares?

waking up
comment: as opposed to waking down?
comment: stretch out too! That gets the blood moving!
comment: good morning sweety! ;)
comment: too bad, you should have ingested more arsenic.

I have a headache
comment: How much did you pay for it?
comment: you have to take this herbal remedy I heard about. It works, but I never tried it for myself.
comment: If I were there with you, I'd give you a nice massage.
comment: I hope your f*cking head explodes.

my tummy hurts
comment: hurts who? you? What a violent tummy!
comment: Try laying on your tummy for awhile.
comment: I would rub it and make it feel better.
comment: stfu you whiny, needy person who, in every situation where you're not feeling absolutely perfect you have to reach out and fish for people that will sympathize with you!

I just stubbed my toe
comment: Now why would you do that?
comment: Make sure to wrap it up lightly with tea bags if it's bleeding, so you don't get an ingrown toenail!
comment: want a kiss to make it better?
comment: If I see you I'm going to bite your f*cking toe off.

bored
comment: bored or board?
comment: go outside, it's a nice day! Get some sunshine.
comment: I'll come over and entertain you. ;)
comment: want me to come over? I have a new hunting knife I want to try out. I was told it's great at cutting through bones!